“This won’t hurt”

My room is dark.

The only thing giving off any light is the tip of my cigarette as I take drag after drag.

In the background, I have music playing.

This will be my last night. Acting tonight I won’t have to listen to their words anymore. I won’t have to be the target for their ridicule.

After tonight I won’t be anyone’s problem anymore.

I look at the gun in front of me on the table. It’s so dark that I can only barely make it out. But it’s there. I know it’s there.

A bullet. That’s the only thing I deserve.

I put the cigarette out as the music stops playing.

The record is over.

Soon everything will be over.

I grab the gun and put it in my mouth.

This won’t hurt.

~~~
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“Kissing her”

I should have kissed her.

But I didn’t.

I backed away from her.

And now she’s gone forever.

I had my chance, and I lost it.

I lost my chance with her.

Why did I do it?

She was all I had ever dreamt of. Everything I had ever wanted.

Why didn’t I kiss her?

I was scared. Scared that I might do something wrong.

Scared that she would regret it.

So I backed away. Back into my myself.

Back to where I feel safe.

I regret that. I regret not kissing her.

I hope that I’ll one day get that same chance again, but I know that I won’t.

I know that my chance is gone.

I know that she won’t be coming back for me.

I wish that I could have a second chance,

A second chance with her.

Just one.

And I would do everything differently.

~~~
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“It”

I can feel it coming. Every day I feel it coming closer.

Coming to get me.

Coming to get me for the sins I have committed.

I shouldn’t have done what  I did. I knew it was wrong. I knew there would be consequences.

I knew that I would come for me one day.

I can hear it scratching the walls.

It’s close now.

It’s time for me to suffer the consequences.

I can hear it moving in the other room. I can hear it coming for me.

Coming to punish me.

I hear it open the door and I close my eyes.

It’s here.

It has come for me.

I just hope it will be quick.

~~~
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“As I lay dying”

As I lay dying I allow myself to think back at the life I have lived.

I think about all the nights I spent alone in the office chasing something I could never get enough of.

Money.

I think that if I only spent some of those nights at home with my wife instead then maybe she would have been here with me.

Maybe she would sit here next to me and hold my hand.

Maybe our children would be here with children of their own.

As I lay dying, I can see all the things I did wrong. All the things I should have done differently.

And I pray for a second chance.

Just one more day and maybe I can tell them all how sorry I am.

Just how much wish I would have liked differently.

As I lay here, I pray that I will not die alone.

~~~
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“When I dream”

When I dream I dream about a better life. A life where I’m free from the mistakes which have led me to where I am today.

I know I shouldn’t dream like that, I know I shouldn’t think about something that can never be. I’ve had my chance to do good in life, and I threw it away.

But in my dreams, I can do anything I want.

When I dream I can experience the way I wanted to live my life. I can see it, really see it. I can also see my mistakes, the mistakes that have made it so that I can never live it.

I know it’s bad to dream the way I do. It gives me hope, false hope.

If only I would have worked for it. If only I would have done something with my life then maybe I wouldn’t be here today. Dreaming about a life that I can never have.

How can I live this way? I ask myself. But I can’t find an answer. The truth is that I don’t want to live like this. But I can if I keep dreaming.

~~~
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