“If I ever get out”

The things I would do if I ever get out of here.

I would do better.

I would be a better person.

I would try and make amends for the things I have done.

And after that, I would do all the things that I’ve always dreamt of doing.

I would travel the world. I would see it, see all the places people talk about in the movies.

I would meet someone that I can settle down with and have a family.

I would do all these things, and I would never look back at my time here.

But I can’t leave.

I will never leave.

Though that doesn’t stop me from dreaming.

Dreaming about a life that I would have lived.

If I ever get out of here.

~~~
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“Hiding a monster”

He ran down the street as fast as he could. She was getting closer, he could feel it.

Why couldn’t he outrun her?

He turned a corner and came out on a street with lots of people.

He screamed for help but none listened. They all looked at him.

Where was their compassion in a time like this?

He kept on running. There was no trace of her since he reached the busy street but he knew she was there. Hiding, in the shadows.

He knew where he could hide. There was a shelter not far from where he was, if he could only get there he would be safe.

At least for tonight.

His legs were aching from running so far and his lungs felt like they were going to explode. But he kept on running.

She wasn’t going to get him tonight.

He turned another corner and could see the sign of the shelter not far away.

He could get there.

Her footsteps were back.

She was so close.

Just a few yards more and he would be safe.

Why was she so fast?

He reached the shelter and pulled the door. It was locked.

Why? This place was never closed.

He screamed and struck the door with all the force he could muster.

Nothing, there was none there.

He turned around and saw her coming towards him.

She was just as beautiful as he could remember.

That beauty hid a monster.

She smiled at him for a second then walked up to kiss him.

He felt her warm lips on his own, closed his eyes and waited for the darkness the wash over him.

~~~
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“A loss so great”

”You see that boy over there biting his lip?” My mother asked.

”What about him?”

”How can he do that to himself. His lips are bleeding. It has to hurt.” She wasn’t talking to me. My mother had a habit of venting out loud.

”And that girl” She continued ”Biting her nails. Why do they do that?”

I don’t know was my answer back then when I was a kid.

Why do people hurt themselves?

Why do they bite their lips until they bleed?

Why do they gnaw on their cuticles until there’s nothing left?

Back then I couldn’t give my mother an answer. Back then I didn’t know what that boy or the girl felt like.

Now I sit here and study my nails. The bleeding red cuticles around them. Why do people do this to themselves?

I look at the layers of scars on my arm and wonder if I can give my mother an answer now.

I want to tell her that the boy sitting there on the train biting his lips had none to talk to. None he could confide in, none who wanted to listen.

I want to tell her that the girl had suffered a loss so great that she saw no other option than hurting herself, just to escape the pain.

I want to tell my mother all of this but I can’t.

I can’t because I have suffered a loss so great that I’ll do anything to escape the pain. A loss which has left me without anyone to talk to. Without anyone who listens.

Now the only place I can tell my mother is over her grave.

~~~
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“Her eyes”

Her eyes.

They were magical. Eyes that I couldn’t look away from.

Eyes that enchanted me from the second I first saw them.

I wish I would have looked more at her. More at the person she was instead of her eyes.

I wish I would have had more time.

More time with her. More time to get to know her. More time to talk to her.

More time to look at those magical eyes.

But those eyes are gone.

I’ll never look her in her eyes again.

I’ll never talk to her again.

After today I’ll never see her again.

After today she will have closed her eyes.

Forever.

~~~
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“No more running”

I know he’s here. I can feel his presence.

I can hear him moving.

I always knew this day would come. I knew that he would come for me.

He’s trying to open the door. It won’t be long now.

I deserve this. I know I do. I sent him there. I sent him to that place.

I knew that I would pay for that. I knew he would come back for me one day.

”I know you’re in there,” he says on the other side of the door. ”Come out.”

I can’t hide anymore. I can’t run from what I did.

I want it to be over.

He’s hitting the door with something. Trying to break it.

It won’t be long until he’s in here.

The door breaks.

He’s here.

”Hello father,” He says, and I know this is it. I know my time has come.

This is what I deserve.

This is what I deserve for sending him away. For doing the one thing, a father should never do to his children.

”Hello son,” I say as I close my eyes and accept my fate.

~~~
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“Water”

”Why doesn’t it work” I scream as I kick the pipes underneath my sink.

I need water. It’s been too long since I last drank.

My throat is dry. So dry that every word hurts.

I can’t call anyone. The storm killed my phone.

I need water.

There should have been enough water outside after the rains, but the drought before had made the ground thirsty.

The only water left is now buried far below me.

I know there’s only one way to get it. I should have dug for it earlier. But I clung to the hope that the pipes would work again.

I grab a shovel from the shed. Every step eats whatever energy I have left.

I can barely breathe. My throat is so dry.

I need water.

I dig, but there’s nothing in the ground apart from dirt.

I have to get further down. There has to be water.

I can’t get enough air.

My throat is so dry.

The dirt starts to turn into mud.

I’m close.

I’m too thirsty.

The water starts to pool beneath my feet.

Water.

I get on my knees and drink. The water feels heavenly in my throat.

I try to get up, but I can’t move. I can’t move my legs.

I’m too tired.

I fall down into the mud and stay there. Unable to stand. Unable to move.

Why did I wait this long? I think as the sky opens up and I can feel raindrops hitting the side of my face.

~~~
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“This won’t hurt”

My room is dark.

The only thing giving off any light is the tip of my cigarette as I take drag after drag.

In the background, I have music playing.

This will be my last night. Acting tonight I won’t have to listen to their words anymore. I won’t have to be the target for their ridicule.

After tonight I won’t be anyone’s problem anymore.

I look at the gun in front of me on the table. It’s so dark that I can only barely make it out. But it’s there. I know it’s there.

A bullet. That’s the only thing I deserve.

I put the cigarette out as the music stops playing.

The record is over.

Soon everything will be over.

I grab the gun and put it in my mouth.

This won’t hurt.

~~~
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