“Someone I can never be”

”What can I do?” I asked her, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t want to hurt me any more than she already had.

She didn’t need me anymore. Not the way I needed her.

”Never again” I had told her the last time ”I’m never doing it again” That had been a lie, I had done it many more times.

”Why” Was all she said when she came home last night.

She’d found out.

I couldn’t answer. I didn’t know the answer. I didn’t want to know the answer.

I don’t want to know why I am the way that I am.

She’s probably better off without me. I know that, but I can’t help myself, I need her in my life. I’m drawn towards her in ways that I can’t explain. In a way that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain.

I love her. And still I keep doing this, I keep cheating on her. I keep hurting her.

It seems like that’s the only thing I’m able to do, hurt those I love.

I don’t know why I can’t change. Why I keep acting like a child. I don’t want to be like this.

I want to be there for her. I want to be someone she can talk too. Someone she can count on to be there for her.

I guess I want to be someone that I can never be.

~~~
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